I hate petty conversation. But because this topic includes such a broad spectrum of hatred, you may not know exactly what I am talking about. This post will focus specifically on painfully long and pointless petty conversations into which people like myself are uncomfortably forced. Feel free to post comments on forms of petty conversation that you hate... I know the possibilities are endless.Ok, how can I make it any more clear that I do not wish to speak to you? In fact, let it be known that unless I verbally clarify the enjoyment of your company, there is at least an 80% probability that I hate you and don't want to waste my good lines on you. Case in point: the elevator vs. the stairs. To reach the stairs, one must bypass the elevator. If I, or anyone else for that matter, sees you and continues to pass to knowingly climb 7 flights of stairs, common sense implies that no one wants to talk to you. Unfortunately sometimes, you just have to take the elevator. You know- your legs are tired, your heels are too high etc. And the choice to take the elevator means you're stuck standing next to someone whom not only do you not like, but with whom you have nothing to talk about! The situation starts as you both enter through the open doors. You know you are both going to same floor so there is no need to politely ask "What floor?" The uncomfortable silence usually begins around floor 2. They look at you... as if to say something, but nothing comes out. Then they mumble something about the weather or "Can you believe Thanksgiving is in 2 weeks?" In your head, you are thinking "No kidding bozo, stop talking to me." But, you work together and, even worse, if this person makes more money than you, you feel compelled to respond. I like to draw it out... floor 4... floor 5... but in my building, the elevators move at 1962 pace. In fact, I think these elevators were actually installed in 1962 and I HATE THEM for all of the petty conversations I've had in them. Anyways, I respond by saying "Geez you're right, it's cold out there and I just plum forgot my gloves today!" The doors open but the conversation isn't over yet... there is a hallway. A long freaking hallway. The bathroom is at the beginning of the hallway... you can escape behind the private doors of the toilet sanctuary... unless they follow you in! AND! I am not even going to get into bathroom petty conversation- that is an entirely different post- so, to keep this theoretical situation going, let's just pretend we can't use the bathroom as the escape route (say it's closed for cleaning [not like the cleaning woman does a stellar job because I walk in immediately following her visit and there are still traces of urine on the floor, leading one to ask 1) how does a woman allow herself to pee on the floor? Seriously we either sit down OR hover, both allowing for the pee to seamlessly flow into the bowl and 2) How could you just leave the piss on the floor, seat, or anywhere else it doesn't belong? Urine is, to me, this most disgusting smell I could ever imagine {again, an entirely different post} so for Hater's sake, AIM!]). So, you are walking down the hallway that seems 8 miles long alongside the person with whom you do not wish to speak carrying on a petty conversation about god-knows-what when all of a sudden... you sense the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: your desk! It's in sight- you're almost there! But to save face and retain your reputation as a real people-person in the company you reach the conclusion of the convo with coups de gras finale that always leaves that person feelin' good. You wind up, you turn, you make eye contact... and at that one moment, you smile, for the first time all morning (whether it's genuine or not does not matter) and you say...
"Just 2 more days 'til the weekend!"
The person of dissent gives a fist-pump implying enthusiasm for the oblivious, yet invigorating, statement and proceeds on to their own cubicle so you can ignore them for the rest of the day.
Hater Point: Don't talk to me, especially in the morning, unless you have something insightful to discuss.
